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Speaking Words Of Wisdom

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5th April 2006

8:31am: I am OVERWHELMED with stimuli
I have learned the key to patience; sleep! Tis a brilliant discovery! I took a fatty nap yesterday before rehearsal and the Crazy Lady was much more bearable.

I decided to deal with the awkward events that occurred last weekend with a very minor discussion. Although I think I made it quite clear that it is NEVER going to happen again and that it wasn't okay. Still, the thought of the situation makes me ill.

I am in my computer class. This class is so incredibly lame. It's ridiculously easy. I am SO bored. We are learning how to use Microsoft Word. I am pretty sure i figured that program out about oh I don’t know, 7 years ago? This class is so easy I am updating and keeping up with the assignment we are working on. I am not that talented, it's just that easy. I am only taking this class for the credits. None of which will be useful if I transfer to NU.

"We now have two items on out clipboard!" Thank you professor for that truly ENLIGHTENING commentary.

Ugh…I guess I will pay attention for a while. Ouu, better yet I will check myspace!
Current Mood: bored

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

3rd April 2006

2:20pm: Progessive.
The days progress. Everyday, progressive.

I am still shocked and disgusted at the events that occured this past weekend. I don't know what to do. I feel like throwing-up everytime I think about it. I want to be mad; I feel mad, but is it my fault too?

I love Erin Flood SO SO SO SO SO MUCH. Just wanted to put that out there.

The Women opens this weekend. Everyone should be cool and come see it. Once it's finally open I will have SO MUCH more free time. It will be so wonderful to have a week night to myself again. Now, if I can just get through this week.

School started. Yep. 7:30 am. Everyday. Yep,pretty much want to kill myself.

I am at worky worky. It's dead because SOTA is on Spring Break. I have all my chores done, so now I am like....um....yeah pretty much bored.

I sent my Northwest Application last week. Not I just have to send my transcripts from TCC and my application fee. Then it's just the waiting game till I find out if I got in or not. I SO SO SO hope I do.

Well, I guess I should pretend to do something around here.
Current Mood: blah

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

19th March 2006

9:10pm: The honest realization of my true self, for better for worse.
As each day passes I feel unmistakably changed. I will not lie, I still get hit with sudden bouts of pain and helplessness, but then I am reminded of Him and His love for me and how I can so generously trust Him and He will be there. Always. How wonderful to know, I am never alone. How comforting to know He walks so closely with me as I contemplate some of my lives greatest decisions.

I feel overwhelmed at the task that lies before me; decided future, pronto, no more waiting around, make-up mind and go.

I have been waiting around. I remember the end of my Junior year as I walked into Senior year and thought, “oh….so, I have to apply to colleges now?....Umm…k.” I was excited about the idea of leaving home and living by myself, I felt ready for that, but as for selecting a school to attend, a major to commit to and a career to live with for the rest of my life….I wasn’t QUITE prepared for that.

So I waited. I pretended to start some applications to a few schools of interests, but I never finished them. Once I got to the essay part I would quit and tell myself I would get back to it later. I never did though, I knew I wouldn’t. I didn’t want it enough, I didn’t care enough. The Southern opportunity came rolling in. The application didn’t require an essay, needless to say I finished the application and got in. And when you get into the only school you apply to, you go. So I went. Because I could. And it was a ticket out of my house.

Ashland wasn’t where I was meant to be though. Well it was at that exact time, but not permanently. I knew it the first month I was there. I was ready to get out before midterms my first quarter. I planned on finishing my year, but God had other plans and I came home a quarter earlier than expected due to…well you know, we won’t go into that.

And so when I came home I begrudgingly enrolled at TCC and waited. I wasn’t sure what I was waiting for, direction I suppose. Something, something telling me what I was to spend the rest of my life doing. Everyone kept telling me that people change careers up to seven times in their life times. I don’t have time for seven career changes, I want the right one and I am determined to pick it on the first try. I will do what I am meant to do all my adult life.

I knew I wanted to get married and have children, and wonderfully enough I met a man whom I would love to marry. And if I have anything to do with it, I will marry him. But, I haven’t too much to do with it as of late, so I must just trust in God with that.I love him. And I love Him. If only I could learn to do both simultaneously while not compromising my closeness nor growth with either. If I cannot do that, I cannot be married, and thus I cannot have a family. That is a startling reality. The thought is piercingly honest. All I can do is trust. Trust. That is a lofty word. I am learning its fine stitching and strong, endless fabric more and more everyday.

I did learn a few things this past year. One; I have a lot of growing up to do and a lot of maturing. Two; I must learn how to grow in Christ consistently. Three I know I must Trust God in all aspects of my life. Oh, goodness there is that word again...Trust.

For the first time in months I heard. Clearly. I heard Him so deeply. Him. He was there, and he called. He called me forward and asked me to stretch out my arms. I must listen. I cannot avoid His calling.

And so, as of late I sit and wait. A man I love a half a world away and an application to one of the best Bible Universities in the Nation awaiting my completion. If I get in I will attend. If I attend I will major in Pastoral Ministries. If I graduate with that degree I will become ordained and be a Pastor. That will be my life’s work. It was what I was designed for. It is unbelieveable that I know that. It's unbelieveable that I was designed for something. How incredible is that? I can't help but feel grossly inadequate, but I cannot deny who I am called to be. For God will not stop calling, I only can stop listening, and I am not closing my eyes nor ears to Him any longer.


I want a Dog. Dog’s make everything better. I want a apricot Golden Doodle. I will name him Riley. Dog. Come. Now.
Current Mood: working

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

11th January 2006

10:51pm: The Sensation
It just keeps going and going. Time. Damn you time! Sometimes I wish I was the Mad Hatter, "Six O'Clock, time for tea." Tea is much more simple than all of this. I guess I would get bored though. I mean how much tea can a girl drink, there has to be a limit. With that I digress.

Despite being busy with all life and all that encompasses, MARCEY LOU FREEBUSH IS COMING INTO TOWN TOMORROW!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Me=Muy Excited! I haven't seen her since she left southern last March, and that my friend is FAR too long! She will be in town for the entire day and then probably the night because the roads are gonna be rough with all this lovely Seattle rain I am hating.

Did I mention I am really sick of rain. I haven't even spent the whole 30 days in it like some have since I went to San Jose, but still, it's damn depressing!

I just wish it was summer, school would be out, Taylor would have left and returned from Ranger, and bliss would be upon us. It would be glorious....Perhaps a job at STARBUCKS? Why I am so in love witht he idea of working at Starbucks, I do not know, but I for some reason REALLY want to work there. Like really badly. Why must my goals be so lame, I do not know.j/k it's not really a goal so much as something I just want to do for a while cause I think it would be fun. Anyhow, we shall see.

For now I am going to get off this thing and read and sleep. Sleep might be a good thing to so considering I will be up at the but ass crack of dawn to retreive MOSSY LOU.
Current Mood: content

(2 licks | How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

9th January 2006

5:23pm: It's expected saddness
And so, today I awoke to live the first day of my life in 15 years, without my Dog. I miss him so much, it's ridiculous. Everytime I walk in this house it feels so empty. I will never forget, for the rest of my life, having put him down last night.

Despite my saddness, I am okay. Life is good. Taylor and I are doing really great and he has been really supportive through all of it. My Dad's surprise 50th birthday went off without a hitch friday, and school is alright. This past week of getting back from San Jose, being thrown into school, dealing with Buddy and throwing this party has been stressful, but I am alright.

I just miss him. Thats all. I guess it's to be expected.


(2 licks | How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

20th December 2005

1:38pm: Today is gonna be the day....
Took Taylor to the airport today. Six days apart. The next time I will be seeing him I will be standing in the San Jose airport at the start of six days with him family. I am not nervous….yet. Really though I am too excited to see Taylor to be worried.

So….what am I going to do for six days. Taylor’s gone….Schools out…...works on break……yeah I am pretty much going to be really board.

On the Brightside, I get to see a few friends I haven’t spent time with in a while. Also it’s almost Christmas and man do I LOVE Christmas!!

Well I am going to go read or do something halfway productive.

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

28th November 2005

11:58pm: quip.
The tactless enterprises of lofty power holders, is utterly astounding. It really is. This is all the words I am allowing myself to waste on this ridiculous subject.

Driving Southbound on I-5 on Sunday, while accompanying the most wonderful boy in the entire world, I looked out to see a boy I once considered to be at quite high esteem in a passing car. I said his name. Taylor asked who that was…”And old friend” I said with a sigh as I watched his car speed passed us. “Want to drive up so you can waive hello?” “No” I replied, and I watched as his car drove farther and farther away from us. “I wouldn’t want to miss our exit” I added.
…That was that, we simply took different exits off the same highway…that was exactly it.

Taylor leaved tomorrow for 11 days. No big though, I need to get cracking on some studying any way. Plus we will get to talk on the phone. A vast improvement from PRC where we spoke but once the whole 17 frickin’ days! 11 days with phone…cake.

Two weeks of classes to go then finals. Shouldn’t be too stressful, I don’t think. I am just SO ready for this lame quarter to be over with. Then again, next quarter I am facing the dreaded doom known as math. It should be interesting. Maybe I will finally learn to count!....kidding…

I am waiting for the phone to sing to me. Then I will snatch up the phone and pray with the boy whom I love the most….
Have I mentioned I want to spend the rest of my life with this boy? Yes, I am quite certain I do.

(4 licks | How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

21st November 2005

11:51am: This post is for Joey to have something to read.
A day that brings motivation is a good day.

A weekend passed filled with little to no sleep and lots of activity. It was good, but exsausting. Sunday afternoon naps are really a beatiful thing. Especially wrapped up in Taylors arms.

I have a question, when exactly did I grow up? It seems like not that long ago I was a kid and now all the sudden I am adult. How did this happen?

I am tired today, another day where I am glued to my coffee cup. I have two papers to write tonight, so I imagine tomorrow won't be much different. However, once the 6:50 rolls around tomorrow night I will be done for Thanksgiving Break. Thats will be a good hour, until then I am going to be busting my bum.

Thats okay, a little hard work never did any harm.

I tried writing one of my papers last night, but as I kept informing Taylor, genious takes time. He didn't believe me. I doubt you do either. I doubt I do. I was just too damn tired.

Well, I must get ready for work. Then fallow up rehearsal for "Alice" and then Opperation Busting Bum.

I am tired. Why didn't I spend the last hour napping?

....Because it isn't the same without Taylor.

How exaclty does a man as amazing as him love me? It's just too wonderful for words, it really is.
Current Mood: Wink and a smile and off I go.

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

9th November 2005

5:52pm: The traffic of breathing
Each day swings in and out. When I wake, it's always dark now. Then the light creeps up on me and just when I get used to it, it fades away again. It’s strange and it’s too darn cold. I miss summer, but it will be here soon.

My days aren't all good. But they are not all bad either. School is good and sometimes I enjoy myself. Other days it feels like a total waste of time. 8:30 kills most days, but perhaps that would change if I could get to bed earlier than midnight. Philosophy is awesome, well when stupid people don't talk and or bring their two year olds to class.

My job at Wiggins pretty much sucks. I mean it's not really bad so much as boring and just not any fun. I have decided once I am done at this job I am going to get a coffee house job or a restaurant gig. Luckily I am usually there for about two hours and sometimes up to 4 but that’s it. So I guess I’ll manage; I always do.

Taylor and I are fantastic. I literally couldn't dream up and better man in my life. He is just a phenomenal human being. I admire him. I just can't get enough of him. Last night we booked our flights for San Jose. He leaves the 20th of December and I fallow the 26th. The he comes back on the 2nd and I come back on the 3rd. It is kind of weird I have to be there for an extra night without him, but in order to use our frequent flyer miles we had to do it that way. I felt kind of weird about it, but then I talked to him Mom and she made me feel better. It should be fun though; I can’t wait to meet them all. I can tell too that he is just ecstatic about it. Last night we where lying on my bed and he says “I can’t wait to show you off to all my friends.” I just laughed. He said he was just so excited to share his world with me. It’s interesting, I hadn’t really though about that; I have shared so much of my world with him, but he as shared practically none of his with me. Well besides what he tells me, but that is different. And it’s not because he doesn’t want too (he desperately does the poor guy) but logistically he hasn’t been able too. But now, I will get to see where he came from. Put a face to all the names I hear all the time. See his schools, and houses, and places he likes to go, his favorite restaurants and his coast. I can’t wait to get to do all of that with him.

We have been talking a lot lately about the seriousness of our relationship. It’s seems so fast, but they say when you know, you know. I think he might be the one, and he thinks the same about me. Really though, we both know we need more time. And I like that we have time. This summer however, some rather large decisions could be made.

Well I am going to shower and then do some actual studying. I have a test next week I have to get ready for. I got a B+ on my midterm for that class so I want to do better this test so I can bring up my grade. (Umm….when did I start caring about this? And uhhh….how can I shut that off?)

Current Mood: happy

(2 licks | How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

1st November 2005

4:23pm: 24 more hours. I an do this.
Back and fourth, in and out. I just can't figure out if time is passing quickly or slowly. Neither seems to make any sense.

Taylor comes home tomorrow. Thank you Jesus!

I can't wait.

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

29th October 2005

1:34pm: I am so tired of being tired.
I am so totally over this. I do not want to be a MOM! Danni, the younger of the girls is being such a brat. I am so over this.

I really just want Taylor to be home. Like now. I want him to wrap me in my arms so then, I can nuzzle my head into my nook (ya know, that spot right between his neck and shoulders) and just be together, so close that we can hear each others heartbeat. I miss him so much I physically can feel it sometimes. I just want him home, now.

I am unable to think in coherent sentences today. Rather just fragments of thoughts, fragments of sentences all strewn together is a pathetic attempt to make sense of my insane life.

I want Taylor to come home. RIGHT NOW.
Current Mood: exhausted

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

25th October 2005

10:55pm: I heart me some Taylor Bear.
Taylor called today! It was so wonderful hearing his voice. Every word he spoke I just soaked up and savored knowing there wouldn’t be anymore for another week. Oh but just hearing that he is okay makes me feel ten billion times better. He said he has passed all of his tests, and done well on all the challenges so far. He said he said the odds of him passing were fairly high. I am so proud of him. He is persevering through extreme mental and physical difficulty. And despite all the shit he has been through this past week his spirits where high and he was in a great mood. He is such a wonderful man, how did I get so lucky to have him? Really, it is astounding.

I love him. So much.

First midterm today in Into to Ed. 201. I think it went well. Plus before the test I got my second paper back and got another 100 percent. I was pleased with that. Especially, considering the paper was a summery/reflection of a book I didn’t read. I am the self-proclaimed Queen of Bullshit. I also, have to write another summery/reflection for a book I didn’t read tomorrow. “Qualities of Effective Teachers” how generic.

Last two mid-terms are on Monday. I can’t bullshit on those, which means I must actually study. Oh well, at the end of the day, as long as I am not in accounting, it’s still a good day.

My Parents leave for Hawaii on Friday. While their gone I have to going to be staying with Danni and Alex. I am excited to get to spend sometime with them, but I kind of wish I got sometime alone in the house. Especially when Taylor gets back. I HAVE to cuddle with him. PRONTO!

So Taylor Bear comes home a week from tomorrow. I am so ecstatic! I am going to just clobber him! It’s going to be greatness! It’s going to be cuddle-fest 2005.

Well, there is Philosophy to read and a bed that is calling my name.
Current Mood: grateful

(4 licks | How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

24th October 2005

9:56am: Swinging in and out of this frenzy I call life is utterly exsausting.

On the brightside, I did get to see Erin yesterday and that was lovely, even if it was for only a short time. I miss her.

My back/neck is in intense pain, making life that much more intolerable.

Katy hasn't gone to class in like a week and a half. The girl doesn't think. Does she honestly think she is going to pass? What a moron. Why am I so surprised though, honestly.

Taylor gets back in 10 days. Praise the Lord!

I am tired and I need a new backpack like no other.

Thats it! Enough bitching, I am going to Target. Target makes EVERYTHING better.

p.s. I heart Bear.
Current Mood: exhausted

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

20th October 2005

12:53pm: I am too busy to even be spending time writting this.
So I am walking to my car after Philosophy and I get this phone call. It’s Jackie and she is looking for someone to do some part-time work for her and Julie. The need someone for mostly office work, similar to my duties at Re/Max but a little less demanding and a bit more flexible. I desperately need a job too. I need some income, like SOON. I am sick of this being broke bullshit. But, the problem is I am already so incredibly busy; I just don’t know how to make it work. I am stretched so thin as it is, I just don’t know when I could work.

Granted “Lilies” opens this weekend, and that will end my five hour evening rehearsals (thank God). But still? I have been putting my classes on the back burner in order to get through this week, so how on earth am I going to add a job? I have classes, my internship, and also this little thing called a social life I like to have every once in a while. I am not, not going to see Taylor; that is just not an option. I need weekends, I like weekends, I live for weekends. I am not giving them up. So, that means I would have to cram it all in to my already insanely busy week. The internship will only persist through about the end of November, so that will help, and “Lilies” is only till Mid-Nov. So that will free up a lot of time, but still what if I want to do another show? Scott keeps bugging me about “Three Musketeers” and if I had the opportunity to I would want to do it. Plus, I have kind of committed to Nanny a few days a week for Michele Rauch, which is yet another scheduling issue.

Really this is how it needs to be. I need all my classes in the morning, between the times of 8:30-12:00, then I could go to work around 2:00 for either Jackie and Julie or Michele, do that for about three hours (till around 4 or 5) and then have a few hours to study, spend time with Taylor and or have evenings free for rehearsals. The weekends can also reserve for Taylor, Studying and the possibility of rehearsals.

That all sounds well and good but that’s not how my schedule is laid out right now. I have class in the evenings two days a week. A ton of time spent during the day in Suzy’s class and plus my homework and studying where I can fit it in.

I don’t want to be poor, but I don’t have time for a job. I want to have a social life, but I can’t afford one. Yeah, this is just GREAT.
Current Mood: frustrated

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

19th October 2005

1:14pm: Fifteen More....
It’s a trusty existence and I am okay. I miss him so much is seems like it physically hurts sometimes, but I am okay. I am getting through it. 15 more days….fifteen.

These five hour “Lilies” rehearsals are kicking my ass. That’s for damn sure. I mean it’s probably good he isn’t here, we would never see each other. But at least we would get to talk….I am dying to know if he is okay. UGH….I need to think of something else….PRONTO.

“Alice” is going good, I think it will be even better once “Liles” has opened so I can focus on it a little more. Not to mention I will have more than 5 hours a sleep.

I think its nap time.

Meet me in my dreams…I will be waiting for you.
Current Mood: calm

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

17th October 2005

1:34pm: Come Home.
Seventeen Days.

It amazes me the affect a man can have on me. Taylor.

Seventeen Days. No communication.

As we sat on my back deck staring out at the night, knowing this was our last hour together and the tingle ran up my nose. It was breezy and cold but we where so close we kept each other warm. He told me he wished he could do this every night forever. I nodded in agreement. I couldn’t speak; I knew I would lose it. So I just nodded and nuzzled my head into his neck.

As I walked him out to his truck the tears came barreling down and I let myself cry and I let him see it. I couldn’t suffocate them. I couldn’t hide them behind a sigh, or a swallow. Taylor held me close and told me it would be okay.

I watched as his truck drove away.

He called when he got back to the barracks and we prayed tearful prayers.

He called this morning at quarter to four. He told me he loved me and he would be fine. I told him I loved him too, and that I would be praying for him. I told him he woke me up from a dream of him. He said he was sorry and I told him not to be, the real thing was better, even if it was a ‘goodbye’. We hung up and I said a small prayer and feel back asleep.

At 11:00 my phone buzzed and it was him. Our last conversation. He said he had done a good job on the PT test and I told him I was proud of him.
“Work hard, and come home to me.”
“I will babe, I will. I will come home to you soon.”
“I love you Bear, bye.”
“I love you too, see you soon.”

And with that I embark upon 17 days without him.

It seems like forever.

I told myself, after Matt I would never let a guy make me cry. What a fool was I?

I guess, though it’s different when he is there to wipe away your tears.
Current Mood: sad

(2 licks | How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

11th October 2005

11:36pm: I'm Probably Crazy.
The days seem to escape me much too quickly. I can hardly keep up.

Taylor and I are so great. I love being with him. Everything about us is so incredibly wonderful that occasionally I pinch myself. He is everything I could possibly imagine in a man.
"The grass is probably green. The sky is probably blue. I'd probably do anything for you. I probably love you.”
It’s true; I probably do, although half the time I don’t even know what that means. I just know it’s wonderful.

He is leaving on Monday for 17 days. It was supposed to be 12. Which was awful enough, but then he informed me today that they extended it another 5 days. I was sad, and slightly worried I was going to go stark raving mad without him. Then I realized all the school work I will have the opportunity to catch up on and plus working at Stadium has been really great so far. Then tonight, Marcus Walker from Lakewood Playhouse called me. One of the Nuns in “Lilies of the Field” fell through a week and a half before open. He called me in a panic and asked if I could do it. It will be a bit of tight scheduling, but I am going to be able to manage. So now I get to do a show for the next month and only have to deal with a week and a half of rehearsal. Talk about the best of both worlds, no? Scary thing is, I got the role today, haven’t read through the script (i.e. don’t know the story AT ALL) and have to master a German accent, learn all of the mime and blocking, learn all my lines and memorize all of the nun’s prayers. Needless to say, it shall be interesting. But I am excited I will be getting to do some theatre, it has been FAR too long. Plus it will keep me busy while Taylor is gone. So hopefully, I won’t go stark raving mad….because me + stark raving mad = no muy bueno.

Anyhow, well, time is disappearing much too quickly and I have a few things to do before I crawl into bed and call Bear for our prayers and goodnights.

Oh how I love him…why doesn’t that frighten me?
Current Mood: amused

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

22nd September 2005

2:03pm: Yet another day in the life of Ashley Miller.
Classes begin Monday. Rawr. I suppose I ought to actually put some effort in being prepared for the event. But when I think of actually going about such things one overwhelming question comes to mind…WHY? It’s all so brilliantly tragic, is it not?

I will be taking accounting 220 (shoot me) and am waitlisted for Speech 101 and Philosophy 101. I hope I get them; otherwise I will be forced to take some ridiculous classes like Chemistry a.k.a kill me now and put me out of my misery or The Evolution Of Vocabulary a.k.a. the art of skipping class. All in all I think it shall be a highly productive quarter.

Anyhow, dinner and a movie with Taylor tonight, which should be wonderful. Doing just about any activity with that man is wonderful. What is it about him? I think we are going to see “An Unfinished Life.” Which despite the fact the J.Lo is in it, looks really good.

So I went to tap last night with Alex (the older of the two girls I Nanny for). She asked me to take it with her because a. she didn’t want to take it alone, and b. the class had low attendance and was going to get cancelled if more people didn’t show up. So most likely, school schedule permitting, I will be taking Tap Dance classes. It’s pretty fun so far. I actually took the class about ten years ago from the same studio. Its weird doing it all again, but it’s coming back. I remember back then it was like so easy for me, I would basically just watch and do; now it actually takes effort and focus. I am like damn, I am getting old…but it is still fun. Plus Taylor now calls me his “Tiny Dancer” which makes me giggle.

Wrote the Christmas Letter for my Mom and Angie today and was FORCED into using the term “thrilled.” And trust me I was THRILLED about it. Don’t they get it? No one uses the term “thrilled” in everyday speech or writing unless a. they are being cheesy and/or phony, or b. they are being sarcastic. It’s all just so THRILLING…whatever.

Well I guess I should finish some crap up before I head out of this thrilling place that I work at. I wouldn’t want to become over thrilled or anything.
Current Mood: satisfied

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

19th September 2005

2:12pm: "I Like that you you like me just that way I am." "Baby, thats the only way to love you."
Another lovely weekend.

Friday, I woke up early and had breakfast with My Beautiful Erin and said goodbye before she departed for College on Friday. I hope she is loving it. I need to call her and see how everything is. Hopefully just wonderful.

Then the dying innards which weren’t so good, but all is much better on that front. Thank the Lord for heated blankets.

Friday night at the Ram was a good time. The dynamic was interesting, but fun. I liked that group together. Everyone seemed to like each other. Maybe we can all do something again soon? Vannah?

Saturday morning, I woke up and ran four miles with Katy. Just about killed myself and the dying innards re-surfaced just for the hell of it. The waterfront smells SO incredibly bad; I will never run there again. Ever 15 paces I thought I was going to vomit. It was terrible. On the bright side, I did get to see Gloria, even if it was just a passing hello. Lucas is so incredibly cute…it’s crime. I just wanted to steal him, problem is that actually is a crime, so I didn’t.

I think I may try running at Owens Beach. No cars, so no fumes or annoying honking, no horrible smells emanating from the sea. The whole situation seems far superior to the waterfront disaster.

The rest of Saturday Taylor and I ran errands and lounged. I love doing nothing with him.

Saturday evening Huddy came over and we all watched a movie. Then we all just sat on the couch and talked for a while. And Huddy opened up about his past and his relationships. I got to know him a little better and understand him a more. I really hope I can find someone for him. He is so lonely.

Then Huddy left and I gave Taylor a massage. He has a 12 mile road march on Friday so he was hurting.

Then we were lying in my bed before and saying goodnight before he went to sleep on the futon downstairs and we just started talking. Out of no where we just had so much to say. Neither of us planned this talk or thought we had any thing that needed talking about, but suddenly it’s like God said, “you two need to talk about this, RIGHT NOW!” And so we did. We talked about love and how we wanted to love each other, but that we wanted it to be in a real way, in a Godly way not a worldly way. We just really both came to some serious realizations about us and our relationship and where it was going. We made some decisions and it was just so honest. I feel so strong about us. This is a relationship like no other I have ever had. This is so real and right what it should be it overwhelms me. I just pinch myself sometimes. I am reminded of a quote Erin really likes:
"I would be lying if I said you stepped out of my dreams and into my life... My dreams were never this wonderful!"
And it’s true, they weren’t. I feel like I am seeing things in him and myself I didn’t know where real. We are so strong, and honest. With Matt and Chad and seemingly every relationship I have ever had it always seemed so fragile and pliable. Like at any moment things could unravel or shatter or just dissolve. But with Taylor it seems unshakeable. Maybe it’s because for once, we are building it on the right foundation. Why has it taken me so long to realize the errors of my past relationships when now it seems so clear? I feel like I knew all of this once, long ago before I dated Chad. But it’s like it all escaped me, like I hid the information from my brain and heart because I couldn’t apply it to my current situation without ending the relationship. Now I feel I am dusting off all this and realizing once more the truth about relationships and love. And this time, I am not hiding it; this time I am applying it, this time it’s going to be the right way. Not only am I going to love Taylor but I am going to love him the way God calls me to. Not the way the world has taught me to. Because that is nothing, that is breakable and fragile and easily lost and disposed of, just like all my past relationships. But this love, the love Taylor and I will have, it will be real, faithful, patient, kind, trustworthy and strong and beyond all that, if it is the love God called us to have for each other forever, than it will endure. For the first time in my life, I am learning how to truly love someone. It’s indescribable.

And then Sunday at Church, listening to Pastor Jon speak, it reaffirmed it all to us. God designed that sermon for us to hear. It was so creepy, so incredible. God is so Good.
Current Mood: indescribable

(6 licks | How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

16th September 2005

5:53pm: The death of my innerds
I think my insides might be dying. Least that’s what it feels like. I can tell this is going to be a lovely day.

Anyhow, tonight should be rather enjoyable. To the Ram with Bear, Vannah, Jordan, Katy, and a bunch of Bear’s friends. I think it will be fun just hanging out and chatting and having a good time. As long as my insides don’t die and fall out I think all will work out really well.

Despite the deep pain in my abdomen area today has been a good day. Went a got a oil change and Jiffy Lube and ran into Scott Campbell. Apparently the Agitha Christy is opening today at Lakewood. I want to go see it. He is directing “Three Musketeers” and asked me to audition. I am literally dying to do good theatre. Literally, my insides are dying.

“Probably the saddest thing you will ever see is a mosquito sucking a mummy. Give up little friend.”

Jack Handey brings each day to a whole new level.

I think I am going to go bang my head against a wall so I can feel something else besides the slow and painful death of my insides.
Current Mood: damn cramps

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

13th September 2005

3:31pm: “And so, and so the story goes, can we cut to the part where I am holding you close?
”Come home soon Bear.

From here, to there, from this phone call to that ad, pick up this order and fallow up with that listing...it’s all just one endless frenzy, but it’s my frenzy and I know it and I do kind of hate leaving it. But it’s getting close to time. This is for the best though, but I will miss it.

I did however score me a pretty awesome Nanny Position. The lady, Michele, has a two year old son named Eli, and a newborn on the way. The baby should be here early November, and her husband deploys for a 12 month tour the day after thanksgiving. It sort of breaks my heart knowing I will be spending more time with this mans child and newborn for the next year than he will. And that’s sort of an understatement. He will not experience the first year of his second son’s life. The thought of that kills me and makes me. I have made the firm decision to never do that. I will not raise a family while my husband is in the military. It seems like such a cruel thing to do, the Military I mean, taking away husbands a wives, brothers and sisters, sons and daughters. I haven’t a better alternative or anything, but still, it’s just seems wrong to me. I know it’s their duty, I know it’s what they signed up for, but still…still. Perhaps it bothers me now more than ever because it is hitting a lot closer to home for once.

Time with Erin tonight. Should be wonderful. I can’t wait to just spend some time with her being girls and having fun. Plus there is the possibility of new make-up….desperately needing some of that. I am having some serious shine issues. SO NOT COOL.

Well, back to my frenzy. And so on…
Current Mood: curious

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

7th September 2005

12:55pm: Fagile Love
You held me close to you on a dark green couch in the shape of an “L”. I looked at you straight in the eye and watched you stare back. I didn’t tell you that one of my secrets was I can’t stare people, especially guys, in the eye for very long. I didn’t tell you it makes me uncomfortable and feel too intimate. I also didn’t tell you that I was letting myself keep your stare, that I wasn’t looking away. I looked you and the eye and let myself love you. You held my gaze and I drank you in. “I could drink a case of you…”

And then you sweet words that fill my heart. Saying things I know you mean. Saying things I have never heard. Being the wonderful man I know you are.

My grad picture on your dash makes my heart melt.

The way you wrapped me in you arms when the movie got too scary.

The way you got the last big comfy chair at movie night and insisted I sit in it while you sat in a folding chair.

When you respond to questions like “Are you going to come in?” with phrases like “Of course, go get ready for bed, I will pull your car in and then come snuggle with you before you go to sleep.”

I think I am going to truly love this boy. I think this boy is going to truly love me. I am not sure which one scares me more. Either way, it will be so frighteningly wonderful.

Life is just wandering about. From trips to the Ocean where we ride horses and take walks on the beach. Or going to Seattle and visiting Pike Place and smelling all the pretty flowers.

Work will cease soon. I am sad, but it will be okay.

I see so much now, that I haven’t seen in a long time. I am able to grow and feel and touch and smell. Seemingly all for the first time. I feel I am drawing closer to God. I feel I am learning more about him and his love. I feel I am learning to love for the first time and understanding real love for the first time. It feels so real, honest, harsh but right.

School will start soon but madness will not. There is the prospect of a Nanny Position out in DuPont. That seems about perfect. A young boy and a new born. We shall see what comes about.

I am amazed how God provides. I don’t know why you would think I would get it by now. But, still….it’s so amazing to me.

I watch the pain, suffering and anguish on the Gulf Coast. I am frightened and overwhelmed by how fragile humanity is. I am overwhelmed with questions and doubt. I want to know and understand, but can’t. It doesn’t make sense to me. It doesn’t add up. So I just pray and give what I can. What else can I do? Why did this have to happen?

On and On the world turns and situations change. I think about my future the silly plans I hold in my head. How can I think of them when for all I know everything could change like it did for them? It could be worse. It could be ground breaking. I think of what could happen and how something that seems so important now could suddenly fall into the abyss and leaving only the need to survive left. What then?

We are so fragile it is frightening.

Secrets come in and out and I love them. The world keeps moving and my comfortable life is seemingly totally unaffected. I find this alarming. But what do I do?

I am falling in love.

In a fragile world, I am falling in love.
Current Mood: calm

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

30th August 2005

5:06pm: The truth of the matter.
There is so much to think about in every decision you make regarding you overall life and well being. These decisions cannot be taken lightly for they affect you everyday. I think over the past year I have had that message pounded in my head. Trial and error, that’s what it all is right?

I remember Southern. I remember four classes, homework, no family, a pretty damn good time, and absolutely NO money…like ever. I hated being broke all the time. It sucked. So when I came home, I was excited for a job, excited for constant paychecks, excited for trips to Nordstrom’s. And yeah it’s all been great and I have expanded my wardrobe immensely, not to mention my shoes….lets not even go there. But July, July was horrible. Absolutely horrible. Getting up at six and literally not slowing down till ten at night. It was mayhem, it was absurd. Everyday was a struggle and everyday I hated it. I hate hating my life. I don’t want to be so busy that I don’t have time to see Erin before she leaves for School or too busy to take a weekend to go visit her. I don’t want to be too busy to make Crossings every Tuesday. I don’t want to be too tired and worn out that I dread getting up a little early to go do Baby Garden at church a few Sundays a month. And I most certainly don’t want to be too busy to spend time with my boyfriend. I don’t want to be too busy to be a 20 year old. That’s what I am, and I want to be it, because I only get to be 20 right now. This is it. I have the rest of my life to be under tremendous pressure. I have the rest of my life to be stressed out and tired all the time. I don’t want to do it now.

I don’t want to hate college. I don’t want to hate my life. I don’t want to have no life besides work, school, studying and sleep.

So, with that I let go of work. The only thing I really can let go of. College is important. It needs to be my priority. Even if I do love my paychecks and Nordstrom shopping sprees and trust me I do. But I would much rather be happy. I would much rather have time to fall in love with my boyfriend. I would much rather have time to have girl talk with Erin, Vannah, or Liz. I would much rather have time to dance in my underwear every once-in-a-while. Even if I buy a few less pairs of shoes *pout* and a few less out fits *sniffs*. But really, I got to live and July was not living. It was going through the motions, but it wasn’t living.

So, as September dissolves into October, and Erin moves to Bellingham, and TCC resumes, I will leave my job as a Marketing Assistant at Re/Max Professionals and pick up 15 to 20 credits. I will leave the office I have slowly sewn myself into and walk away from the professional world I have learned and experienced for the past 6 Months. I loved it and I will be back, but hopefully next time with a degree and a little more time to give.
Current Mood: exanimate

(2 licks | How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

24th August 2005

6:15pm: Truthfully
This isn't what I like to call flattery

But I know that I believe that I've found what's true

That I've found what's you.

Truthfully I

I'm finding finally.

Truthfully you

You helped me find at last.

Truthfully we

Are finding out what's true.

And Truthfully I am finding out what's you.

Surprise cause I was flying the plane.

Surprise cause now I'm smiling again.

Surprise cause you showed up with your parachute.

Surprise, I'm kind of happy you showed up.

Truthfully I

I'm finding finally.

Truthfully you

You helped me find at last.

Truthfully we

Are finding out what's true.

And Truthfully I am finding out what's you.

Truthfully, I really can't explain, I'm floating, I'm smiling again.

Truthfully, I can't ignore you, cause I've been waiting for you.

Truthfully, I'm not desperate, I haven't changed my mind since we

first met,

But the last thing that I want to do is to tell you that I'm right for


Truthfully I

I'm finding finally.

Truthfully you

You helped me find at last.

Truthfully we

Are finding out what's true.

And Truthfully I am finding out what's you.

I'm finding finally.

Truthfully, I'm finding out what's you.

I'm smiling again.

Current Mood: Lovely

(How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

20th August 2005

2:48am: The time of my life.
And so I sit, on the gigantic land mass just next to Canada, known as Alaska. This place is unbelievable. I have had the most amazing first day here. Words can’t even explain how lovely this all is.

Aaron’s father has a small sea plane and LOVES to fly. He lives on this lake called Finger Lake with his wonderful wife (Aaron’s step mom) Tempy. He has this friend, Dorin, who also has a sea plane and LOVES to fly. They two of them bum around Alaska in their sea planes and visiting friend’s cabins and scouting good fishing holes. Each plane has enough room for a Pilot and one passenger. So Aaron jumped in with his Pops and I with Dorin. We flew and flew. It was SO beautiful. I didn’t even know where to look, there was just so much to see. Then all the sudden Dorin tells me over the radio to look over the right wing-tip and I look over to see a gigantic moose running through a green field. It had HUGE antlers and it literally felt like I was watching the discovery channel. I was just in awe; I was totally and completely blown away. I don’t even know how to explain how beautiful it was in words. We stopped at this friend of Bob’s (Aaron’s Dad) cabin and visited with them for a bit. They had this cute little cabin in literally the middle of NOWHERE. There wasn’t even a road to his house, the only way out was plane or boat. Eddie, the guy who lived there said he hadn’t been to town since March…MARCH! That’s a whole different life style! I don’t think I could handle that. I mean I know I love the outdoors (if anything, this trip has confirmed that) but I also know I am a HUGE fan of indoor plumbing.

Anyhow, we went fishing on Alexander Creek for an hour or too. This fish were just not biting and none of us caught anything. So we jumped back in the planes and headed to Olsen Creek about 20 minutes away. I had on a pair of waders (YES, ME, IN WADERS!!!) And we all cast and fished for about 5 hours straight. Bob came in first with five Silver Salmons, I came in second with one Silver and a HUGE rainbow trout and Dorin and Aaron came in last with one measly silver each. I was so much fun. I absolutely LOVE fishing. I could do it for hours. It was so relaxing, listening to the water and just zoning out. Waiting for the fish to bite. It was just wonderful, absolutely perfect.

Then, back on the planes for the trip back. It was getting late. I just loved being in the air. Dorin kept asking me if I was scared and I am like, dudes are you kidding me? This is amazing! I really like want to get my Pilots license. I just loved it so much.

When I cam back Aaron informed me (quite spitefully) that Taylor had left three messages for me. After telling Tempy how amazing it was and raving about it my Mom I called him. He seemed to have had a hard day. Plus he was worried about me because neither I nor Aaron had been picking up the phone all night. After assuring him all was well and I telling him how amazing it was though he was fine. It was so cute how concerned he was. I could tell it was hard for him I was away. It was hard for me too. All day I kept thinking about how much Taylor would LOVE what we where doing. I wished I could have shared it all with him. Really that was the one thing short of perfection. He wasn’t there to share all of the fun I had today. We talked for nearly a half hour, which has got to be some kind of record for me since I HATE talking on the phone and do just about anything to avoid it. But I could have talked to him all night, I missed him so. He was frustrated with work and having to go in the field next week. So we talked about everything, and I tried to make him feel better. I think it helped. I hope it did. Just talking to him made me SO happy. I just love being with him, even a state and a country away. He is just wonderful….I don’t know what else to say other than that.

Well, I must retire for the evening. I am exhausted even though my mind is spinning from all the awesome things I got to do today. It was a day I will never forget.

Goodnight world. Thanks for being beautiful. I got to appreciate you today.

Goodnight everyone. And, goodnight you, I miss you but I will see you soon…one long seemingly endless week away.

God thanks for your creation. You never cease to amaze me. Goodnight.
Current Mood: blissful

(2 licks | How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?)

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